Fear

There are many fears I have in life, the fear of death, fear of huge heights, fear of finances, fear of not just growing old, but growing old & losing my mind, fear of not being the great wife that my husband deserves. But the biggest fear that is plaguing me right now is the fear of kids! No, not your kids, not kids I see out in public, but the fear of having my own kids!

As my husband & I contemplate the distant future, I have realized how selfish I am! Having children requires giving up A LOT! I have had dreams of traveling & seeing the sights of the world. Taking weekend trips with my husband barely happen now, let alone if & when we have kids! I want to save money for retirement plus money just to have for savings sake. These kids can cost a lot, I mean day care alone is at least a $4 per hour pay deduction, plus insurance for them, additional insurance for us, the clothes that they will just keep growing out of, not to mention the raising cost of education & college savings for them!

There are weeks now when I feel that I can't get anything done. The laundry barely get done (let alone put away), the kitchen stays a mess, the bathrooms don't get cleaned. How will I ever accomplish any of this when I have children? The house cleaning fears bring in my OCD fears too: what if my husband doesn't fold our kids clothes correctly, or worse, what if it gets so bad that I don't fold them correctly either!?

I have been listening to a book on tape called Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert (also author of Eat Pray Love). It is supposed to be about how & why she got married for a second time, but I am finding that I am hearing more about why she didn't want to have children. She has interviewed many women all over the world. Most of the women in other countries have had children because it was not only expected of them but because they also didn't have access to contraceptives like us USA women do. The women who haven't had children (by choice) in the US talk about how happy they are & glad that they didn't have to give up their careers for their children. The women who have had children seem to say, yes I love my kids, but I don't know if it was worth it. I am sure there are many days my mother would have said that, I'm not sure what her response would be now. Most of the women Ms. Gilbert talks to who have had children that are grown & have left the house say that they are currently the most happy they have ever been. They can have real conversations with their spouses, they aren't as financially strained, they are more free to have hobbies, all due to the lack of kids in their house. Is it really worth it?

But then there are those moments when I see a baby in church or out in public & I make eye contact with that child & there is something so soothing about it. That internal clock starts a ticking & the I find myself longing for a baby. I can just see it now, how cute our baby would be, he or she would be so smart like my husband, have my complexion, his cute accent, My nose & chin God willing, both of our orneriness. Our child would be the one in church saying something up front that makes the whole congregation laugh.

I know that my parents & my in-laws would both enjoy grandchildren (though they haven't pushed us in any way, or outright said it - except when my then boyfriend asked my parents in the early morning for my hand in marriage & my mother gleefully replied I want grand babies!) I mean honestly, I would enjoy being a grandparent, who wouldn't! All the fun of little kids that you can have an impact on growing up, doing all the fun stuff, but not having to necessarily discipline them, being able to send them home with their parents at the end of the day, not having to get up at all hours of the night to feed or take care of them. I can't wait to be a grandparent!

But first I have to get over my fears (though not anytime soon)! :)